Without realizing it, we enter intimate relationships both because the other person feels familiar and safe and also to heal the difficulties that we experienced in our original home. So the person we choose feels like home and then we try to get what we missed at home when we were young.
This is how to explain relationship difficulties on a nutshell. If each of you is trying to get what you have been missing all your life you likely need very different things. This could very well be the beginning of a long and drawn out painful relationship dance.
Couples who want to heal their relationship can grow to understand the need that is driving their partner’s behaviour. They can each become dedicated to giving some of what has been missing. However, there is another important factor for success. We must be able to soothe and care for ourselves in whatever was missing for us in the past. Mindfulness of what helps our partner, what helps us and how to care for our own needs is the complete formula for relationship success.Nancy
We experience the world and each other in a manner that is unique to each of us to some extent. For the most part we can agree on smells, tastes, sights, the feel of something on our skin and what a certain piece of music sounds like. Read moreNancy
We need to be able to reach out to others at times to share emotionally or to get support or reassurance. Intimate relationship is certainly the place we would like to go to get that quality of connection. And we also need to be able to soothe ourselves, to stand on our own feet emotionally at the appropriate times. Ideally we would be good at doing both: connecting for support when we feel vulnerable and regulating our own emotions independently. Read moreNancy
This is the first in a series of blogs that focus on how mindfulness can work for you in relationship.
In close relationships such as with a couple, being highly reactive to each other can be a real problem. This could be evidenced in raised voices, bickering and people saying things that they later regret. Just like other animals we have a low brain or reptilian brain that reacts far more quickly than our thought processes do. When we react quickly and automatically in relationship things certainly do get worse rather than better. Read more
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Nancy Christie BFA, CYW
170 The Donway West
North York Ontario
Certified Sensory Motor Psychotherapist Advanced Practitioner
Member Canadian Association for Psychodynamic Therapy
Member of the College of Registered Psychotherapists of Ontario
Clinical Member of the Ontario Society of Psychotherapists